Last Call!: For Every King, A Crown.
Note: This is the third and final installment of the story of our trip to the Quebec League. Parts one and two may be enjoyed — with video! — in the previous two posts.
The game was over, but the fun was not. The King needed to talk to his brother, who was in the locker room, counting the gate money behind locked doors. To pass the time, Naitch and I checked in with a couple of the boys on the team. One of them was willing to suggest a postgame activity.
“Take ‘em to Top!” he told His Royal Highness.
“The fuck is Top?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“The rub n’ tug,” came the reply. “You guys could get a freebie, just tell them you’re with us.”
I was pretty sure someone at home would be rather upset at that, so I declined. The Clap isn’t exactly what one wants to declare at customs. Besides, between myself, Naitch and The King, we’d put down four racks of beer during the game, and even if I’d wanted to dip the wick, I was sure it wouldn’t be in working order. Instead, we opted to take a pass and head back to the empty condo for the evening. We had a long road trip ahead of us the following day for a road game, and we needed some sleep. I grabbed a beer for the road and we headed outside. On the way out, we were greeted by the sight of a couple of the boys toking a joint in the parking lot. What a fitting way to end our first Quebec League experience.
I’d like to tell you that the following night’s game was another wild affair, complete with more mayhem and offers to visit another pit of vice. The truth, however, is a little more tame. The Chiefs racked up plenty of suspensions for the brawls and scrambled to find enough random guys to ice a team for the game in Saint Georges that night. It got so desperate that at one point, I offered to sit on the bench. Thankfully, no one took me up on it, as it had been a while several years since I’d been on the ice. And, you know, I was still feeling it from the night before and didn’t feel like getting my ass kicked. Incredibly, the Chiefs didn’t drop the gloves once that night, and lost with a depleted squad by a score of 5-2.
The most remarkable moment of the night was hearing one of the boys take a call on his cell from a former teammate in another city (I’m not naming names, but believe me, it was awesome) to ask the name of the puck bunny he used to bang when he played in that town. Whether the guy on the other line ended up doing the do is anyone’s guess, but the smart money says that he did. Shortly thereafter, we piled back in The King’s Ford Taurus (we found out at some point during the weekend that he made a living by rolling back the odometers on Fords for a local dealer) and made the four hour trip back to Montreal. I volunteered to make part of the drive back, since His Majesty had given Virgil the night off, as he had a football game to play in for Vanier that night, and The King told us he sometimes fell asleep at the wheel. We pulled into his neighborhood around three in the morning, and I stopped at a stop sign.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he snapped, “Nobody fucking stops at stop signs, roll through! Go!”
I hadn’t seen another car for about an hour. What the hell was I going to hit? I brushed it off and pulled into the parking lot. Soon enough, we were upstairs and passed out.
We left early the next morning, before The King woke up. I’ve not seen him since then, and I have spoken to him maybe once or twice via email. Nevertheless, he has become this mythical figure among everyone that has heard this story over the years, and like any myth, his legend grows over time. He was a pathological liar, a borderline sociopath and looked like Steven Page, but he’ll always be The King.
VIVE LE ROI!
Enjoy Last Call, folks! The comments are open, the bar is stocked, and the condom machines are ready for your business. US quarters only, please.
Let’s get the party going:
341 Responses to “Last Call!: For Every King, A Crown.”
Comments are closed.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! Beautifully set up, even!
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 10:41 pm
So I used to be fan of the original CSI….and hated the two spinoffs and have stopped enjoying the new episodes of the current CSI.
I swear I usually don’t enjoy shows like that…the stuff I usually get hooked on is along the lines of South Park(newer seasons), SportsNight, Weeds, Rome, Flight of the Conchords, Deadwood (no show has ever been better written), John from Cincinnati, etc.
But for some reason….I’ve developed an addiction to NCIS. I fucking love this show.
Orr's Crabapples - July 8, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Ching!
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Ching? Does not compute. ERROR! ERROR!
WhiteSpeedReceiver - July 8, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Ha. Look at the replay – he got completely lucky on ball direction. I’ll take the goal, but it wasn’t anywhere near as skillful as one would be led to believe.
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 10:47 pm
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 10:45 pm
You guys, that thread I posted earlier…We got told on and Hortense had to step in….fucking pussy commenters. Yeah, what else did I miss while eating?
MarissaExplainsItAll - July 8, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Aren’t you glad you have us?
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Incredibly so, but by the tone of it, she seemed to not really care.
MarissaExplainsItAll - July 8, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Invite them over here. We don’t discriminate. I can warm up the crowd with some jokes.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Oh, and did you have fajitas? I had fajitas.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Tacos y arroz.
MarissaExplainsItAll - July 8, 2009 at 11:02 pm
When are you coming over?
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:03 pm
So that was an own goal right? It went off the Hondouran players back/shoulder it looked like.
Adam - July 8, 2009 at 10:47 pm
I’m not really sure. I think (based on the replay) that it did go off of Ching’s shoulder and the side of his head, but it’s possible that a Honduran got a touch, so…
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Stick figure porn, I think. Both hetero and homo. And some more video clips. And you’re in the running for one of tonight’s three stars of the game.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 10:47 pm
http://www.offprotects.com/clip-on-mosquito-repellent/
HOLY SHIT.
If this OFF clip on mosquito repellent works…I am 100% sold. Little fan that apparently gets rid of the fucking skeeters. As long as it doesn’t smell like ass…this is a huge improvement over sticky spray.
(mosquito=MN state bird)
Orr's Crabapples - July 8, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Bullshit. It won’t work. You should know by now that the state bird can adapt and find new ways to fight through our defenses to keep us up all night itching.
WhiteSpeedReceiver - July 8, 2009 at 10:54 pm
That’s a good point.
Or just wait until you try to go to sleep and buzz around your ear for the entire fucking night.
Orr's Crabapples - July 8, 2009 at 10:59 pm
That, plus DEET is some pretty fucking toxic stuff and you shouldn’t get it on your skin. But you don’t really want to be breathing this shit either – inhale it and it gets in your bloodstream just as pervasively as it does through skin absorption.
I found a product called Natrapel, which is natural, and non-toxic. Deters skeeters, chiggers, fleas, ticks and ants really well.
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I can vouch for Sculpts here. I’ve heard of Natrapel…lots of hikers use it in the deep woods.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Do they even sell DEET heavy insect repellent anymore?
Or do many other brands just advertise their non-DEET products?
I thought that stuff was somewhat off the market but could be just that I heard people saying it was bad for you.
Orr's Crabapples - July 8, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Sure they do. And the fellas in the military specifically request the stuff if you’re sending care packages.
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:08 pm
I go to plug in my laptop after it ran low on battery – two goals scored.
Yeah, I think it’s just a coincidence too.
Green Eggs and Fulham - July 8, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Wow, that match progressed well, for having started out so crappy. And we won, so that’s a plus.
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Can I say it? Someone wants to say it.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Go on, ya know ya wanna…
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Well, it’s not like I can get banned from here, so what the hell.
And we don’t have to live in Honduras, so that’s a plus too.
/Kidding, kidding
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:06 pm
hey, it’s the official internet forum come-back of Conference-USA fans! Well, you may have won, but at least we don’t have to live in (birmingham/hattiesburg/west virginia/texas/etc)!
lowercase - July 8, 2009 at 11:27 pm
I smell a new variation of FMK!
Where would you rather live? Honduras, Morgantown or Hattiesburg?
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Wait, that would be VLB (Visit, Live, Burn)
This could get fun…
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Shall we begin?
Pyongyang, Baghdad or Bristol, CT?
magicsjohnson - July 9, 2009 at 12:01 am
V Pyongyang (becasue you know you’ll be able to leave)
L Bristol CT (because you can always drive somewhere else)
B Baghdad (just because)
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 12:05 am
I like how you think. Your logic is sexy.
magicsjohnson - July 9, 2009 at 12:07 am
Well… I should get to bed, but the opportunity to see Albert Pujols bat one more time against Hoffman is going to keep me up a bit more.
Rob in WI - July 8, 2009 at 11:03 pm
You sure that’s it? You sure it isn’t the lingering scent of my Brut keeping you here?
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:04 pm
I miss Brut shampoo.
But no, It’s Pujols.
Rob in WI - July 8, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I’ve got a few hours of work to do before crashing….so I’m going to take off and try and be productive.
Pleasure, as always.
Orr's Crabapples - July 8, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Take ‘er easy, friend. Thanks for coming out!
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Evenin,’ shitbritches!
So what have I missed so far here in MagicsJohnson’s House of Sordid Stories and Filthy Jokes?
Oh and thanks for the link to the Rookies today, Sculpt. I hadn’t gotten a chance to stop by. I agree 100% w/ Shakey, btw, it must suck for that family to even show their faces. Maybe the next jock’ll think twice. But I’m betting probably not.
(Reality) check, please.
Chicago Sometimes - July 8, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I’m sorry, Socksy. I meant Business_Socks.
I shall slap myself now.
Chicago Sometimes - July 8, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Welcome! Glad you could make it…pull up a chair and offer up your best dirty joke.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Also I meant Style Points.
Yanno what ? Today was restaurant FAIL and I’m sho’ nuff bringing it to DUAN On The Run now. I apologize to the innernets.
/sigh
//is it ok if i call it duan on the run?
Chicago Sometimes - July 8, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Only if you get a Wings Cover Band to do the theme song.
Rob in WI - July 8, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Huh? Rookies is still down. Must have it confused with another link. Either way, you’re welcome.
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:13 pm
I feel like I’m missing something good here.
Rob in WI - July 8, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Evening folks…. just peeking in as usual to see teh funny, but I thought this needed to be shared. Yes, it’s from a sister blog to that other blog, but it amused me greatly despite using the word “punked,” because I cannot stand Jay Leno.
http://jalopnik.com/5310167/jay-leno-punked-by-jalopnik-readers-at-goodwood
lowercase - July 8, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Jalopnik is cool. That is all.
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:26 pm
If you think that a crowd like this would be amused by such juvenile, sophomoric humor….well, you’re right.
Fuck, that’s funny.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:27 pm
283 comments…come on, let’s break 300!
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Well, I’m up in the studio. And felt like ‘talking’ whilst working. So my commentary will be sporadic, but I’m still here.
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:30 pm
My mom just told me that another teacher at her school went to the Michael Jackson memorial. These are the people educating your children, ladies and gentlemen.
MarissaExplainsItAll - July 8, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Jesus Christ, really?
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Yep, apparently that lady really loves MJ and found the whole thing to be “classy”.
MarissaExplainsItAll - July 8, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Yes, since nothing screams class like a gold lame casket. What the fuck…I hope they buried him in that fucked up Cap’n Crunch looking outfit he used to wear, just so that if there IS an afterlife, he has to spend eternity looking like the biggest douchebag in the world.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:50 pm
I hope he’s wearing the PJ pants from the trial. Comfort is key in the afterlife.
MarissaExplainsItAll - July 9, 2009 at 12:06 am
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m hopeful that all this renewed attention on Jacksons in the media right now paves the way for a long-awaited sequel to Action Jackson.
magicsjohnson - July 9, 2009 at 12:09 am
Is this shroudsnarking?
magicsjohnson - July 9, 2009 at 12:12 am
Wow. I’ve heard of ‘no child left behind’, but that’s ridiculous!
/hey-o!
Chicago Sometimes - July 8, 2009 at 11:39 pm
More like ‘every child in the behind’, amirite?
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Show us on the doll where he touched you Johnny, Susie, Ralphie, Charlie, Betty….
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:46 pm
What’s brown and found in little boys’ pants?
Michael Jackson’s hand.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I AM SO OFFENDED!
MJ wasn’t brown for at least 20 years.
MarissaExplainsItAll - July 8, 2009 at 11:50 pm
You make a good point. Then we’ll go for this one:
Now that he’s dead, we can use his carcass as a shopping bag. It’s white, plastic and a danger to children under 10.
There, that better?
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Okay I am gesticulating right now. So not worthy.
Chicago Sometimes - July 8, 2009 at 11:54 pm
That’s how we roll here at The Chairman’s!
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:55 pm
/empties &1 coin purse
Here, take them.
Sculptor?!? - July 8, 2009 at 11:55 pm
You flatter me, as usual.
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:58 pm
OK… so they gave Pujols the IBB, so now I can go to bed.
Catch y’all later. Thanks for the entertainment.
Rob in WI - July 8, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Thanks for coming out. Stop back sometime!
magicsjohnson - July 8, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Oh guys, Jodie Meeks signed a contract with the Bucks. I am happy for him. Wooooo.
ailanthusaltissima - July 8, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Well, I’m determined to finish this sculpt tonight. Arms and ears…bah.
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 12:22 am
Hey guys just got home by softball – and we only lost by 4 the first game and 1 the second game!
FirstDerivative - July 9, 2009 at 12:24 am
You could beat the Mets!
magicsjohnson - July 9, 2009 at 12:25 am
We’d be competitive – although I doubt we’d match Murphy’s play…wow.
FirstDerivative - July 9, 2009 at 12:30 am
What the phrase? Even a blind squirrel gets his nutz off?
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 12:31 am
Hush you lady, let me enjoy it
FirstDerivative - July 9, 2009 at 12:32 am
Since you’re both still here, I’d like to offer up an AHL article for TPP’s sports leagues series. I’ll get something together shortly if there is interest.
magicsjohnson - July 9, 2009 at 12:35 am
we’ll take it. based on tonight’s sample, it should be hilarious.
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 12:39 am
Did you enjoy the videos? That’s some wild shit up there.
magicsjohnson - July 9, 2009 at 12:40 am
email me at TPP, I’ll re: back from my real email
FirstDerivative - July 9, 2009 at 12:39 am
Congrats?
MarissaExplainsItAll - July 9, 2009 at 12:34 am
Win my book dahling
FirstDerivative - July 9, 2009 at 12:39 am
Win IN my book
FirstDerivative - July 9, 2009 at 12:40 am
Well, YEAH! Any time you come back without breaking your wrist (or anything else), and your team scores, it’s a win.
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 1:03 am
Ladies and gentlemen,
When I first began this place 6 months ago, I had no idea what to expect. In that time, our biggest day was 103 page views and we had 79 TOTAL comments on the site. Tonight, we hit 1400 views and broke 300 comments. If I may be serious for a moment, I want to sincerely thank all of you for coming in and hanging out tonight. It’s not easy blogging about minor league hockey, but this really makes me feel pretty fucking good. It means something, and all you wonderful fuckers are incredible, each and every one of you. Thank you all for a fantastic night, and I hope to see some of you back here in the very near future.
Night everyone!
magicsjohnson - July 9, 2009 at 1:09 am
Is anyone still here?
craigeshericksmustache - July 9, 2009 at 1:22 am
I’m in and out. I’ve got the computer in the studio – I check in every 15-20 min. I’ll pop in more often if I know there’s folks here…
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 1:43 am
Well, I’m here at least for a little while longer. Got to see the whole Copa Oro game. The first goal was sweet. The second . . . a little lucky, but still nice.
Too bad it took both Davies and Feilhaber for the first one; it’d be nice if the USMNT could look good with the second team against a real opponent.
craigeshericksmustache - July 9, 2009 at 1:49 am
Yeah, I’d agree with that. I’d not seen Ching play before – even though I’d taken everyone’s complaints about the guy, still to see it first hand: man, does he suck.
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 1:51 am
So since this is Last Call and not DUAN, I figure I can do this.
Progress had on Tuesday. Will report post contact tomorrow.
Also, I apparently prefer skinny blondes. Or, more accurately, have more success getting them to respond to me, given my track record.
craigeshericksmustache - July 9, 2009 at 1:59 am
Awesome. Glad someone out there is having some kind of success.
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 2:15 am
Well, it’s not success just yet. All it is now is an opportunity, just like the one Friday that cratered on Sunday. But thanks.
How’s work?
craigeshericksmustache - July 9, 2009 at 2:18 am
Almost done with this bitch. Working on her forearms, and then need to sand her down in a few spots.
Having her cast in silicone. Woo!
Sculptor?!? - July 9, 2009 at 2:30 am
Anyone still around?
Rockabye - July 9, 2009 at 2:32 am
Yes, but I think I’m heading to sleep soon.
Dep all day, then Copa Oro at an Irish pub. Good night.
craigeshericksmustache - July 9, 2009 at 2:34 am
And by that, I mean I had a good night. Not that I was leaving just yet.
craigeshericksmustache - July 9, 2009 at 2:35 am