Chairman How's Glorious Army
Significantly Lowering the Bar Since 2008.

Like I told you last week, from time to time I am going to jump into other, non-hockey stuff. This is one of those times. So, forget to brush and floss for a few days/weeks, and let’s jump into the EPL!

Now, I’m pretty new to this whole soccer fandom thing. I know the basics of the game, but I will freely admit to not knowing a whole lot about its history. I’ve decided to throw my EPL support behind Tottenham Hotspur, for really few other reasons than I think that’s a badass team name. Spurs seem to be on the rise as a team, so that’s a bonus. I also think Arsenal are a bunch of flaming assholes, so it all comes together. Anyway, back to what I was planning to say.

One of the coolest things about the EPL is the concept of promotion and relegation. Simply put, the three teams with the worst record at the end of the year are essentially kicked out of the league, and demoted to the League Championship for the following season. In their place, three teams get pulled up from League Championship to play with the big boys. What a great idea — not only does it change the fabric of the EPL on a yearly basis, it also makes a matchup between two last place teams at the end of the season mean something. Considering the vast amounts of money that television revenues bring in to the EPL, it actually means quite a lot.

Wouldn’t it be great if relegation could be implemented in hockey? Hypothetically speaking, last year’s NHL standings would have put the Panthers, Leafs and Oilers in the AHL this season, and Hershey, Hamilton and Chicago getting promoted to The Show. Think about how fun that would be, to see the Leafs or Panthers coming into town to play the Crunch. Even better, imagine the potential fun in a relegated team having to play its affiliate. I can only imagine how fun it would have been to see the Nasty Boys-era Crunch playing a relegated Jackets team in the War Memorial. For some reason, I picture it ending very, very badly for Columbus.

While we’re at it, I wish we could import an EPL crowd for just one game. If you’ve never watched an EPL game, the crowds are just unreal.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

That’s a hell of a lot more impressive than a goalie chant. I look at that level of support and can’t help but feel envious. Can you imagine what that group of fans would do if they saw a sick breakaway goal or Mirasty beating the shit out of a guy? I imagine it would be quite a sight. Sadly, I doubt we’ll ever see that level of fan-creativity in our building. I don’t know, maybe my new interest in the EPL is spoiling me, but after seeing that kind of devotion, creativity (do a Google search of football chants and you’ll understand) and energy in the crowd, “ref you suck!” just seems awfully lame. What a thing that would be; well-organized, cleverly phrased chants in our barn, louder than hell and with no sign of letting up. You want to talk about a home-ice advantage? Jesus Christ. So that’s the challenge to you, loyal Crunch fan. Bring a little of that with you this year. Organize amongst your sectional neighbors, figure out something creative, and let it fly. Just remember — if there are enough of you, they can’t throw all of you out.

Last, but certainly not least, there are twenty teams in the EPL, and each team plays thirty-eight games. I’ll save you the math; every team plays each other twice — once at home, once on the road. Wow…every fan has the possibility to see every single team in the league at least once each year…what a concept!

(Note: Here comes the annual “this league’s scheduling sucks” tirade)

So, in a thirty team AHL, Crunch fans will see their team play a grand total of seventeen different opponents over eighty games. Surprisingly, that’s actually not bad, considering that Rochester only gets thirteen different opponents this season. This is fucking ridiculous, and it needs to stop. Let’s break it down:

1. Of the eighty games this season, forty-eight are against the other six teams in the division. That means each of those six teams makes up a full ten percent of the schedule.

2. Six more games are penciled in against the Atlantic division. Six games between three teams — Hartford, Springfield and Bridgeport. No Providence, Portland, Manchester, Lowell, or Worcester. However, there are six games to be played against Houston, Texas and San Antonio. All three are at least two or three times the distance from Syracuse, of course.

3. Of course, we have ten games against Rochester. As always.

This is all so simple to fix. Look, I understand that a Syracuse-Rochester tilt is always going to put asses in the seats in both cities, probably much more so than, say, Syracuse-Milwaukee or Rochester-Oklahoma City. But still, what happens when those ten games are absurdly one-sided, like they have been in both directions the last few seasons? Something gets lost, doesn’t it? Besides, that amount of frequency waters down the rivalry. Think about it, wouldn’t whittling that down to, say, four games each year make those four games mean far more?

I understand that cost is a factor here. That’s fine, I get that. Still, one of the most important rules of running a business (like a hockey team, for example) is to make sure you don’t burn out your audience. Seeing the same thing ad nauseum is only going to push people away — how many times can we be expected to see Rochester, Albany and Scranton before we get sick of it and find something else to do? Perhaps if the league found a new source of revenue (such as getting more games on TV) this wouldn’t be such an issue. Either way, we’re stuck with missing out on half the league again, as we are every season. If the NHL is as invested in the AHL system as they claim, maybe some sharing of the cash pie is in order here.

So, there you go. League promotion, better fan participation and better scheduling. Three ways hockey can take a page from the EPL’s book. Meanwhile, a couple of video clips for you. First, let’s all revisit Gareth Bale’s fucking ridiculous goal against Stoke last month:

Jesus. Now, let’s see Spurs fans welcome their Arsenal counterparts to White Hart Lane:

You know, the accent while chanting “WANKERS! WANKERS!” makes it classy.